The end of muggy afternoon soccer practices always seemed to hint of danger. Not a ton, but enough to get my stomach quivering. If the team was looking slopping the dread would only increase until I could practically see the pain on the horizon. Feel my lungs gasping, muscles burning from the conditioning that was sure to follow. My coach calling on us to line up at the endline would almost be a relief. At least the expectant worry would be gone.

After a few exhausting set, he would generally offer us a carrot. Five more sprints, and if we finished the last in 30 seconds then we’d be done. Otherwise we keep going. Pretty standard coach speak. But he would also warn us— if we slacked on any of the four dashes before the timed one, didn’t give it our all each and every time, then we would run until we dropped. No gaming the system to only try when it counts, since you can’t know when it counts in a game.

I’ve taken that advice with me ever since. Sayings like “It isn’t how you start it’s how you finish” ignore that you need to be in position to succeed at the end. If you’ve truly given everything, there won’t be any energy for a heroic last sprint to the line. It’ll all be behind you, and stumbling across at your current pace will be enough of a challenge.

I definitely feel like I’m stumbling across the line right now. I’ve been stumped for topics most days of late, and have spent far more time gazing at a document with no idea where to go next. In some ways this reassures me that NaNoWriMo was a good goal, truly offering a challenge. But in other ways it is dissapointing; I’ve only written for a month, and it’s hardly been the most incisive or beautiful writing. I guess I was hoping for more, even if that was unrealistic.

I’m planning to take a few days off next week before diving back into editing. Hopefully at that point I will have more outside context to look back and fairly judge this month. I’m glad to have tried this format, but may need to do something completely different to continue on my writing journey. Still, I made it to the line, and did so while truly trying the whole time. So I at least have something to be proud of.